I have a confession to make…
I am a dolt.
That’s right, kids. I, being the all-powerful way-into-it recap artist that I am, idiotically forgot about Survivor. It was almost a half-hour into the show before I realized my dolt-ness. And I’m sure many of you think I’m going to make the connection between “Rob-doltness” and “Robb-doltness” but I just can’t bring myself to make fun of spoiled skater-punks after they’ve had a love-the-world, love-a-long-lost-father epiphany.
Because I am a true professional, I have decided to entirely make up what I missed. Serves me right. Last week, I complained that the show has become too predictable. The gods must have heard my complaints.
Let the Surprises and Twists Begin!
In a surprising twist, Shii Ann discovers a magic Harry Potter wand smoldering at Camp Sook Jai and decides to wreak havoc on her not-quite-mature-enough-to-freaking-enjoy-their-amazing-surroundings tribe.
The first thing she does is zap Robb with a “Recall everything he’s ever heard drunk self-help book readers say while spilling their guts to him as he bartends” spell. He resists, but its reflective effects are already starting to play tricks with his mind. Here we see him thinking, “Life is like catching a wave on my skateboard.
Soon enough I’d realize, ‘Whoa dudes, like this isn’t even a surfboard’ and I’d fall off and lose the skateboard in the water but someday when I’m eating fish, I’d like notice that there’s a wheel inside the fish and I’d contemplate how that fish was caught and then I’d realize, ‘Whoa dudes, like that fish must’ve eaten my skateboard.’ Talk about karma.”
All the others miss Stephanie, which is sort of like how guys miss their miserable bitch girlfriend after they break up only because she was good in bed. Robb continues to ponder. Having the benefit of starting to remember drunk self-help advice, he comes to a grand realization, “Dudes! I hung out with Jed and he was booted. I hung out with Stephanie and she was booted. I thought everyone didn’t like Shii Ann, but… And people told me they were voting for Shii Ann instead of my friend, so… These people have been yupping me along! They think that they can just tell me what I want to hear and that I’ll go on enjoying life. They are actually playing a game for a million dollars! I need to warn people!”